megustaaron

I’m feeling shaky, i’m feeling anxious, feeling like all my insecurities and personality disorders are coming up again. I don’t want them though, i have grown so much since, i don’t want them broken down, i don’t want my pain to haunt me. It’s clear that the only way for me to make sure the pain won’t haunt me is by helping myself, caring for myself, working on myself, even though i might be overwhelmed by all the options, if i don’t do anything i won’t get anywhere either..

I gotta stick staying positive in these weird times, when the world is locking up again and i’m locked up in this apartment.
I am confused, lost, but i feel great energy rising from the earth, leading into the soles of my feet. I really hope I will be biting down on carrots soon, and i will be smiling without feeling like my teeth are going to fall out.
I really wish the doctors will do a splendid job and find the perfect outcome for me to look hella fresh.
I really hope they will nail it, and I hope I will keep my head up.

I’m ready to rise from the ashes, to work on all the plans I wanted to work on for years already. I’m ready to embark on new journeys and to find myself in the mirror of a forest.
I’m ready to take a leap of faith, and go.

I fed up with staying.

Hope i can fly soon….

https://soundcloud.com/aaron-auping/a-stroll-in-the-forest-last?si=e4ac4371df1f4a0289eaef482693ffa9

This Thursday I will start a process to recreate my frontal teeth.
I have been looking up to this process since the day I lost them, but somehow I should have been looking forward to it. 
Simultaneously, I will be stopping smoking, cigarettes and joints, with the later being the worst. I have been smoking since i’m 14, and a joint is my best friend. 
A couple of days ago, I was working for Gorillas, the grocery delivery company, and I was delivering groceries to the people in Amsterdam. On a less busy moment, I started a chat with one of the other drivers, the one that everyone thought looked weird/old. 
He was the nicest one out of all of the people working there.
His name is George and he is from Romania.
He spoke in a very spiritual way, he looked skinny, with smoking eyes and skin, talking about life and its wonders while smoking a ciggie or rolling one.
He told me about the fact that weed is a disassociate drug, a drug that makes you lose your “self”. 
It put a lot of things in place for myself, how i have been able to survive for the last 6 years with all the hurdles that iv encountered in my path. How the weed always gave me a different perspective, a way out, an ease of the pain.
But now I have to go through this operation without smoking weed, without my buddy, and i’m scared. I get more anxious about not smoking, then the fact that they will be scraping away bones from my mouth and put it in another spot.

How does someone stop an addiction, recover from a dental transplant, and figure out life?

O I haven’t even touched upon this part of the story yet. I postponed this surgery, literally because i wasn’t done being Bob Marley. I just graduated from my uni, and I thought it to be an extra pity if i couldn’t enjoy some moments with a joint in my mouth and directly signed up for the operation. I wanted to enjoy, to relax, and to feel for a second, I guess the later was mismatched as weed makes you feel less in moments.

Last weekend I took 2CB with my girlfriend, it was an amazing experience, it really opened my eyes, and I could put things in perspective, but the thing that i remember the best from the experience is the fact that I felt so scared for the operation of Thursday, I felt like it was gonna block my energy fields and let me live a life where I couldn’t be myself.

Like i can my myself now…

Anyway, I’m scared, I’m anxious and the thing I do when I feel these feelings is roll a fat spliff and smoke it, and I would be all fine. This time I chose for a more healthy solution, write a blog post about it and put it online. It’s not like anyone is going to read this anyway, who is even still on Tumblr.

Thanks for being my notepad, my saviour in need and my rock from when I was 12. You have been amazing Tumblr. 

More confessions coming.

aclockworkorange:

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

— Maya Angelou

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